SOUL AMNESIA

After those events, which I told in my entry,Physical Amnesia , life got to a different level. It's like I need to grow but there's no space to grow to. I needed water and nutrients but I can't seem find my roots... my being.

I have finished college half heartedly and onto the next thing which is finding a job. I got the nicest job compared to my batchmates. I am able to use my college skills and earned a fair sum of money. With my mon's help, I was able to fund my tuition fee for a review school for Interior Design while working.

Due to weak health and pressure, I have to give up one, working or studying. I chose to continue my studying because I have invested much on it. Only to disappoint myself in the end because I am not qualified to take the board exam due to name problem.
I thought I was routing a good career path, but stumbling blocks didn't only burdened my way but totally stoped me as well.

All things got even worse, when I got a not-so-good job and a break-up with a long time relationship which triggered back my weak condition and deep depression.

Everything seems wrong and I don't know what's been making my life wrong.

I often times blamed the past accident which had given me a weak mind and weak memory retention. And when headaches strike in, I am one of those hot tempered person who would burst out even on the smallest things. Not only those head aches that kept my temper boiling but the fact that my brain hasn't been itself for a year, and I was starting to loose my self worth.
When I had my first job, I was always confused, always forgot what was told and always messed up. It feels like I don't know what I was doing and why I was there.

Everything seems meaningless.

I work. I earn. I spend.
I work. I earn. I spend.

I took the review course just so to give me a big jumpstart to the designing world. But halfway along those classes, I got disheartened because I am not able to retain in memory the lessons and I knew I am bound not to take the exam. I was also aware, if ever I take the exam and got a licensed,

WHAT's NEXT? I'll be back at square one, which still questions my worth of living.

Another dead end and detour in my life. I thought I could find my direction in life when I made those decisions.

One decision to another which lead me to a deeper nothingness in life.

I knew not my self. I even can't remember why I was studying so hard during those school days. I knew I had a reason, but what that reason is I cannot recall.

I am confused with myself which eventually affected the people around me.

I don't know what I want; I do not know what could make me happy.

Maybe I could not put all the blame to my old boyfriend why we eventually parted ways. In my part, I don't know why back then I always ask something from him that would show his love for me, which, wasn't me at all. The feeling of worthlessness clothes me. In his part, he was afraid of my weak condition and was confused as well what has been happening to me. If my X wuould have been a strong man & kept his love strong me, maybe he could have helped regain the old me before the accident. But how unmanly of him who left me alone in my confused world & moved on in his pursuit for his own happiness.

There I was left alone all by myself. A friend was there to help me but, she almost gave up because I can't seem to move on with a life.

I was some purposeless being who doesn't even know to dream or what is my dream in life.

I got my first job back, and I filled myself with too much work. I even got sidelines just to fill those blank days which I called "Black Saturdays and Sundays".

Same thing.
I work. I earn. I spend.
and this time, I cry.

Depression of being left and rejected is a painful thing to overcome. And my pride just wouldn't let me to tell it to my family that I've been suffering deeply. Melancholy covered my very soul that I often think that I wish my life would stop at that moment.

My life seems to have no meaning. My travel seems took no path,

I feel like I am floating, a purposeless being that's just an addition to the crowded world.

I feel so empty. No matter what I do; whatever I learn new; It seems so pointless and could not give joy to myself.

I have forgotten myself; the things I want, the things that would make me happy.

A worse scenario compared to physical amnesia and memory gaps which hopefully medicine could cure.

Forgetting who you are because somebody hurted you.

Forgetting who you are for the happiness of others...

FORGETTING WHO YOU ARE .. is one thing that is definitely hard to cure and costly to loose...